I've been training to be an EMT-B for the past fourteen weeks. I never in my life dreamed that medicine would be something I felt so passionately about. It all seems a little surreal; how could I have stumbled upon something so wonderful, for me at least, by accident? It's times like this when I have to question if I'm just pushing my rock up the hill to have it crush me or if I've found the meaning to laboring so pointlessly.

A few weeks back, I went on a ride along with some wonderful EMT-P's in Santa Rosa and it was truly a humbling experience. I had never seen anyone die before. It's easy to sit back and read textbooks and be objective, to see the answers and treatment plans, but when you're really there--when someone looks at you and asks, "Am I going to die?"--it all goes away. I've never had anyone ask me that before. How can I even attempt to answer that question? I'm too busy freaking out to remember how my mouth works. And these wonderful paramedics just tell him, "It doesn't look so good, but I'm going to do everything for you I can. You keep fighting too, okay?"

I'd never seen anyone get shocked before. I'd never seen someone flop around limp and pale before; least of all, I never imagined ever being able to do any of these things on my own.

Well, a few days ago I went on my final hospital rotation. On my own. And my last call of the day was thirty year old male, cardiac arrest--assist with pushing drugs, setting crash cart, ect. I don't know if I'll ever be able to describe the terror of seeing someone lying there depending on you, the doctor, the nurses, and the paramedics is like. Myself being the least qualified of all these people, I really didn't know how useful I could be.

But when I hung the IV bags and flooded them and got the right drugs and I saw the guy start breathing on his own...I don't even know if there's a right word for that feeling. I can't ever take for granted how quickly life can end now. I have so much respect for the people who are better trained than me, who deal with these kind of scenarios daily. Most importantly, I have new found trust in my abilities. I know now that I can do this and I'm ready to get out there and fight for people.

I firmly believe though that two people were saved last night. I know, it's cheesy and I don't think I crazy amazing for being able to do this stuff, not by a long shot, but I feel like I've finally figured out what I'm meant to do with my life. It seems only fitting that my first call, which nearly scared me out of the profession, would be the same as my last before I became a 'real' EMT-B, like this was my real trial. I really can't wait to get out there and start making a difference.